I just went on facebook (ah!) and looked up my ex-boyfriend (AH!), the one who is engaged (ACK! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!)…but it was fine. I’m two glasses of port in and I went to Soul Cycle this morning and I’m making food for the week and sitting in my clean apartment watching television because I don’t have to work for the first time in, wait, what’s today’s date, twelve days (!) and life is just GOOD. They got a dog together, and gave it a name I’m pretty sure we discussed, when we were together, giving to a dog we would adopt in the future. AND? Sure, he and I adopted a cat together, and when we broke up, she was left with me because, I guess?, I was the more responsible one, and I resented it at first, but she’s since become my road dog/homegirl, and, you know, great for him that he has a situation that permits him to take good care of a dog (assuming that the dog is well cared for) and that that situation is not with me (and also that I’m not in a position to adopt a dog). Let’s think about all the ways that I’m not only better off not being in a relationship with him, but all the ways in which I’ve grown into myself as a person in the world since breaking up with him…I’m miles away from where and who I was when I met and fell in love with him, but also miles away from where and who I was when I realized that he was no longer my best friend. And there is no where I would rather be.
I rarely talk about things. I feel like I don’t have many people in my life available to talk to. I also have this weird shit about being vulnerable and sharing my feelings - good, bad or indifferent - with other human beings. So if I don’t write about things, I will forget about them. I’ve realized in the past few days that there are a ton of things from the past year that I wish I’d written about somewhere…
This is all to say that I hope to spend a bit more time here on my Tumblr, you know, writing about things.
From the article Here’s the New York Post with the Most Sexist Headline of the Year on the New York Post’s cover of Hillary Clinton (with a scared-looking Bill in the corner) testifying during the congressional hearing over the embassy attack in Benghazi. (via lcucinotta)
sigh. i find this quote particularly apropos today - disregarding the fact that this rundown of credentials is not in any way accurate vis-a-vis me, but noting, in particular, the point behind the rundown. i find myself being super defensive at work. i noticed that i try, at nearly every turn, to affirm my intelligence and the fact that i belong where i am. as a woman, and particularly as a black woman, i’m always super aware of how it is i’m being perceived by my peers and supervisors. it sucks to think that one small detour from the script - a demonstration of anger or frustration - could undo all that tedious, daily work.
I understand the rationale, but it depresses me. So I’ve started drinking. At 11:30 am. I’ve been pre-tired for three months and this is the first time I’ve day drinked (drunk? drinken? drunken?)… something is wrong with me.
3 c old fashioned oats (1 cup ground in a food processor to flour)
1 c sunflower seeds
1/2 c pepitas
1/2 c hazelnuts
1/2 c flax seeds
1/2 c almonds
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t cardamon
1/2 t ginger
1/2 c maple syrup
1/4 c brown sugar
2 T butter, unsalted
1/2 t salt
1 t vanilla
Mix oats through ginger in a large bowl, ensuring that the spices are distributed throughout. In a saucepan, combine syrup, brown sugar and butter and heat to bubbling. Turn off heat, stir in salt and vanilla. Pout wet ingredients into dry ingredients. Let rest 10 minutes. Bake at 300F for 75 minutes, stirring every 30 minutes, trying your best to ensure that every oat gets brown but being careful not to break up the clumps.
Serves 4 “me”s, but if you’re non-disordered and can eat granola in moderation, more like 8-10.
I wish there was a late night talk show with ONLY wildlife experts guests. I want to see awesome animals every night.
Having a number of beverages in my fridge - not half-finished 20-oz bottles of soda, but homemade unsweetened iced tea and cold brew syrup - makes me feel like a grown-up.
okay, I will take all of your wine now.
I have an ice cream competition tomorrow.
I am also studying for the bar exam.
Guess which one is currently causing me the greater amount of anxiety…
I gotta get my mind right…if I’m going to smoke the competition at this ice cream takedown tomorrow…
g’dammit. wrong priority. i mean, i should write the rest of those essays and mpts for today and tomorrow so that i don’t fall behind.
I (finally!) got my grades back for the semester. (Registrar: “I can haz my “you have offically graduated” email?!). I’m pretty sure I did the whole law school thing backwards: I did FAR AND AWAY better 3L year than I did 1L. And it certainly was not because I took easy classes.
I think a big part of it was (a) not being distracted by falling in love and (b) not giving a whole lot of fucks. It’s amazing how job security brightens your outlook…(and helps you get better grades?! You always get things when you don’t need them…)
EDIT: On second thought, you can never underestimate the comparatively fewer fucks your classmates give. Nearly all of my grades this year were in curved classes. Sure, I didn’t give many fucks, but my classmates, and grade competitors, gave even less. That = better grades for me!